Sexualizing Early Experiences
Most us were not spanked as children. Yet, we eroticize spanking as adults. How could that have possibly happened?

Case One: Martha is a woman in her early 30's who enjoys being spanked by her boyfriend. Thanks to the internet she has no problem hooking up with plenty of guys who will gladly turn her over their knee. But Martha is currently having problems. She is picking men who end up being emotionally abusive and not supportive.

This is no surprise since she came from a family where her mom 'wore the pants', bossed her husband and over compensated for her own feelings of low self esteem by berating everyone around her. Martha grew up thinking that she did not have the ability to do anything much. She looked for men to validate and make her feel worthwhile. These are the very messages she craved from her parents who were both emotionally not present. Martha does not know why she likes to be spanked but remembers being envious of hearing about friends who had dads who spanked them.

Case Two: Charles is a guy who likes to spank women. He enjoys having a woman lay over his lap, feel her squirm and spank till her bottom turns pink. Charles grew up in a family with an ultra religious Dad who believed in the old adage, 'spare the rod and spoil the child'. Dad often used his razor strop on his son. Charles despised him for the beatings. Finally when Charles was about 15 and grown, he physically restrained his dad and warned him never, ever to raise a hand to him again. Charles is someone who was beaten as a child, resented it and turned this anger into something positive with spanking. He spanks very tenderly and spankings are always with a female who really enjoys getting spanked.

Clearly, Martha and Charles use spanking as a way to work out very early life experiences. They embraced spanking unconsciously but spanking compensates for things they did not receive when young. Martha was not given a sense of self by her parents. Her cold mother and subservient dad did not provide the safety, security and positive environment that children need to grow up feeling safe in the world. As a result, young Martha embraced the concept of spanking with love. In her young mind she imagined spanking to be administered by someone loving who physically spanked to express emotional love.

Spankings were equated with clear-cut boundaries and a sense of fairness. When someone is being spanked, they are being punished on their bottom for a specific offense. They are not being chastised because of who they are; only the misdeed they committed. How different for Martha who had a sense that her very essence as a human was wrong and unworthy.

Sometimes people who are abused ‘split off’ while something traumatic is taking place. This clearly happened to Charles. The punishments he received from his Dad were terrifying and inhumane. While they occurred, the boy left his body mentally in order to escape the brutality at hand. Sometimes these intense experiences get trapped in the part of our brain that translates traumatic experiences into sexual experiences. We sexualize an experience in order to transform an intense feeling of horror into an intense feeling of pleasure/sex. It’s the way our bodies protect us and help us survive trauma. Though Charles can’t totally explain his erotic feelings for spankings and certainly doesn’t ever want to administer the kind of treatment he received in his youth to a female partner, spanking is now his way of working out the horrifying events from his past. He plays the part of the strong, male disciplinarian (like his dad) but redoes it in a way that he perceives to be firm, fair and consistent. The spankings he administered are given with care and love.

Working it Out
Though the cases of Martha and Charles may sound extreme, they are both very real. All of us sexualize spanking, though the spectrum as to where we fall in relation to early trauma varies greatly. Ironically, most of can’t recall anything too specific. We only know that at some point during puberty we began to masturbate and thoughts of spanking naturally occurred. Once this link of spanking to orgasm happened, it never stopped.

Every single person I’ve met who sexualizes spanking as adults, have no real clue as to why. They only know that it’s strong and will not go away. Some of us were spanked as children; others were not. Yet, at the core of all spanking play there’s an element of working through some kind of childhood trauma. This working through is healthy and very beneficial. It allows us to experience deep-seated emotions that were left unexpressed. Spanking provides a way to give and receive love, direction and caring. The physical act intensifies this experience in the mask of pain. Yet for us adult spankos we translate this sting into a feeling of pleasure, passion and intensity. On some level we are all forever tied to spanking with our sexuality. The question is how do we handle this fetish as adults?

Spanking Role Plays
Spanking enthusiasts strongly believe that spanking is for adults only. Period. While the fantasy of spanking may lie in childhood memories, the physical interaction is between consenting adults in the context of role-play. These role-plays can be age regressive in that we play the part of someone younger than our selves. They can be about real or imaginary events in youth. We are aware that we are adults playing a part. Role-plays can also be about adult situations that are purely fictional or have the hint of some reality. By fictional, I mean you are playing a character that has little to do with your own life. Real kind of role-plays have more to do with you and events that could actually happen with you.

Role-plays are short scenarios that give reason and build up to the spanking. They are a good way to get into scene, use spanking verbiage and allow you to let go, feel feelings and thoroughly enjoy the spanking. The role-plays may be based on some real situations but they should never be used to settle differences. There are many effective techniques for adults to negotiate and state their needs. Spanking is not one of them. Spanking needs to be seen for what it truly is: a pleasurable, sensual experience carried out by two consenting adults.

Sometimes couples think they can settle disagreements with the use of spanking. Many of you recall the old fashioned ‘Spencer Spanking Plan’ that advocates spanking between couples. This spanking ‘myth’ speaks of a way for couples to set rules and boundaries within the relationship by using the paddle as the motivational tool. This concept can be useful as long as it’s kept within the context of fun and fantasy. In reality, it will never make someone do something they aren’t on board with. In other words, the paddle will not make your spouse take out the garbage if he isn’t inclined. It won’t make anyone iron if she rather go to the cleaner. However, ‘the threat of the paddle’ can certainly make the task appear to be more fun.

This is also true when an unexpected ‘faux pas’ (accident, mishap, unforeseen event) happens in a relationship. Perhaps someone forgets to pick up the cleaning or call before coming home late. Spanking can sometimes be used to alter moods and turn a dismal evening into something fun. However, couples need to be careful with using spanking when times are intense. Before getting out the hairbrush think twice. Make sure both of you have let go of anger or hurt before the spanking interaction occurs.

When Spanking Is Dangerous To Adults
Some of us make the mistake of using spanking for real punishment and teaching a lesson. That’s unrealistic and rarely works. I have seen some people (particularly couples) use spanking to settle differences, punish and re-enforce a particular way of life. Spanking then turns into a doctrine that advocates control and power rather than fun. It doesn’t matter whether the top is a male or female. Either way, the rigid roles are unrealistic and toxic to a relationship. A true male/female union is about a partnership and equality.

Remember this fact. Study after study has proven spanking to be an ineffective disciplinary tool with children, so why think it’s going to work with adults? It’s simply unrealistic and extremely uninformed. Spanking does not really effect change. No adult is going to respond to having his or her bottoms bared and feel sorry for a mistake by getting spanked.

Never use spanking when your partner is already feeling bad about something. It just reinforces the feelings of low self-esteem and worthlessness. For example, no body likes to lose a purse or wreck their car. At moments like these, one person needs to be supportive and kind to the other. Not punitive. That’s why I advocate staying away from spanking in conjunction with real events and bad experiences. Spankings during these times can be lethal to your relationship. Waiting to spank later can be an option though what fun is it to go back and relive something negative? Keep spanking as a positive experience.

In Summary
Spanking can be dressed up as something sexy, playful, serious, punitive and disciplinary. The tone and scenario attached with the spanking is up to you and your partner. The role you play is strictly determined by your mood and the way you both like to engage. However, it is important that as responsible spanking players we remember that we are playing a role. We can play our parts well and get into the character. But like all forms of theater, the show must have an ending and then we let go of our character.