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How To Pick A Spanking Playmate
by Jacqueline


The mere mention of the word ‘spanking’ sends tingles to your groin. Spanking DVDs, stories and photos drive you crazy with lust. Your orgasms are almost always driven by spanking images or buzz words. Yet in actuality, you rarely engage in spanking play.

You may be in a long-term committed relationship with a partner who does not share your interest. Or, you may be single and looking. Either way you are a person who wants to have some kind of involvement with another member of our spanking community. There are many avenues to explore and the Internet offers many willing participants. How do you go about doing this safely and sanely when there’s the temptation to throw caution to the wind and jump over the next available lap?

This article is a guide to choosing a spanking option that is correct for you.

What Are You Looking For?
Choosing a spanking partner is very much the same as courting or dating. Naturally you have to be available. You also need to consider if you are seeking a committed relationship or looking for a fling. A spanking relationship can be defined within the context of a broad spectrum. Some people imagine spanking as taking a very active part in their lives while others see it as one small component of bedroom activity. Some spankos imagine having a 24/7 disciplinary relationship while others want to keep spanking as something light and fun. When you are 'dating' you'll be meeting many people with many different agendas. It's important to know yours so that you do not waste your time or send out misleading messages.

Choosing The Right Person
The desire for spanking lies deep and is extremely personal. It's the one topic that we generally don't share with friends or even our sexual partners. You might feel confused and conflicted about your desires. That's why you stayed within the comfort zone of keeping spanking as a solo activity by watching DVDs or going to spanking websites. Now you are at the point where you can't control your urge any longer. You have the need to experience spanking for yourself. You may be in your twenties, thirties, forties, fifties, sixties or even older. Your age doesn't matter. The important thing is that you need to choose your spanking partner wisely so that you have a positive association and a good feeling about something you hold dear.

If It's The First Time
The person you pick has a direct influence on how you process your spanking fetish. A good first experience will leave you feeing fulfilled, understood and accepted. A disappointing first spanking experience will at best produce uncertainty and self-doubt. At worst it can make you feel violated and raped. A negative first experience will not 'cure' or get spanking out of your system. Your associations with spanking will be tainted but spanking will still creep into your masturbatory thoughts creating more conflict than ever before. That's because spanking imagery and sexuality is that strong.

Examples Of How Spanking Can Go Wrong
Many years ago a woman came to me who had a life long interest in spanking but never had the guts to tell anyone. She was a member of my spanking support group and had a true interest in bringing her spanking fantasy to life. At the urge of many people, she started to date a man who was a well-respected player in the community. This male was an experienced top and knew how to administer sound, disciplinary type spankings. What he didn't know how to do was connect and form the kind of close intimate relationship that my client was seeking. For her, allowing a man to spank her was the same as giving up her virginity. For him, she was just another 'notch' on his playing card.

My female client was very hurt when she realized that this guy could not give her the intimacy that she was seeking. It ruined the whole concept of romantic spanking and she retreated. No more support group. No more spanking parties. I suspect she went back into the safety of her own spanking 'fantasy' closet. She developed a bad association with spanking because she trusted a person who wasn't attuned to her needs for spanking to be an overall male/female relationship.

More recently I counseled a woman who answered a spanking ad from a male top. The two exchanged many emails and through correspondence she was certain she met her spanking soul mate. The day she met him she knew she was going to let him spank her. She felt certain he'd respect her boundaries, spank gently and not expect any real sexual interplay. She was wrong on all counts.

The guy was simply wanting to get in her pants or in the spanking world get her over his knee. He had promised to be gentle and careful with administering the first spanking. She trusted him implicitly. As soon as she placed her body over his lap he immediately pulled down her panties and started whacking hard with his strong hand. She told him to lighten up but he wasn't hearing anything she had to say. He took the stance that all spankees say 'no' when what they really mean is 'yes'. This is the same kind of guy who pushes for sex and is now labeled a 'date rapist'.

The considerate, charming male from the email turned into a determined mean abuser. Five minutes into the spanking she knew it wasn't at all what she bargained for. She tried unsuccessfully to get up off his lap but he held her down determined to show her the meaning of a 'real spanking and discipline'. It felt so dangerous that she didn't want to provoke him. She took the spanking and made believe she enjoyed it. She had the wherewithal to make her own cell phone ring and was able to leave with a 'credible' excuse.

This woman then came to me in order to process the experience and figure out what it was that she enjoyed about spanking. Thank goodness she found me because she was holding in the same feelings expressed by all victims of violent crime. She suffered from a huge loss of self-esteem due to lack of judgment. I helped her to understand that she didn't do anything wrong and this experience wasn't her fault. She just ran into the wrong guy. I was able to help her hold on to the fact that it's OK to enjoy being spanked. The person she met wasn't reflective of the spanking lifestyle. In fact I'd label him an imposter in our scene. He's not a spanking person but someone who preys on his definition of a vulnerable woman.

Male Tops Have a Responsibility Towards Their Female Counter-Parts
Most male tops are very respectful of their spankees and truly want to please their partners. However I do know that there are exceptions to the rule and all of us need to be cognizant and aware. Recently I heard a guy boast that he administered such a hard hand spanking that the girl actually bled. I couldn't believe my ears. Is this really something to be proud of? Again, I don't consider this person a true spanko. He is someone who uses the spanking scene in an unhealthy manner. I believe someone like him has unresolved issues with women and beats women to satisfy repressed anger.

Some ladies want to take a hard spanking to prove a point of strength and submission. That's OK and the level of spanking is an individual choice. It is still the responsibility of the male top to use restraint; especially when the relationship is new. A good spanker knows how to administer a hefty spanking in a strict but loving manner. A good spanker lets his partner know that she is special and appreciated. It's also a responsibility for a spanker to respect boundaries and slow down if the is bottom marking or bruising.

The person you choose to administer a spanking has to be the right one. This first partner can truly make or break how you feel about spanking and more importantly how you feel about yourself.

What About Men Who Like To Be Spanked?
I often help men who like to be spanked. Their desires do not fit into society's stereotype male image. Even the spanking community often shuns male bottoms and switches. One particular man left a spanking party feeling so ostracized that he needed several counseling sessions in order to work through his self-loathing after attending the event.

This personable engaging man likes to spank and be spanked. At the party he spent quite a bit of time over the knee of a few female tops. He was having fun and thought he was connecting well to the people he met. Later in the evening he went back to continue conversing with the group of men and women he had met in the beginning of the night. These people who were initially warm and welcoming were now decidedly stand offish. The men were unfriendly and would not make eye contact or conversation. The women no longer wanted to let him administer a spanking to them. Clearly this man was shunned because he enjoyed both giving and receiving spankings. This group did not condone male bottoms.

This man who was OK with being a switch developed hurt feelings and self-doubt after attending the event. He felt slighted and unsure of his spanking desires. He went to the party in order to be with like-minded people. He left feeling ostracized and put down for his proclivities. He found out that even within our small spanking community there are many prejudices and exclusionary cliques.

Be Cautious But Don't Bail
Every social group has their bad apples. Generally speaking, our spanking community is made up of open minded, friendly people who are welcoming and sociable. The above examples are not given to scare you away. They are merely mentioned to help you avoid pitfalls and open your eyes to potential uncomfortable or dangerous situations.

How To Avoid The Pitfalls
Communication is always the key. The more you communicate, the better chance you will have of meeting the right person. Only you can decide what is right for you. When getting together with another spanking person, the hope is to find someone who listens and understands the kind of scene you are seeking. This is true for both spankers and spankees.

Good Questions To Ask When Seeking A Potential Playmate:

Are you single?
This is so obvious and yet it's the most common pitfall. Many, many people both men and women present themselves as something they are not. Many people who love spanking are in good, committed relationships where there's only one thing missing. That's obviously spanking. The Internet becomes a tempting playground to seek a spanking playmate.

I implore married or committed people to explore other options. (see my section on professional sessions). It's simply not fair or admirable to present yourself as something that you are not. It's also a dangerous way to behave within the context of your marriage. The person you meet might online might seem trustworthy but think again. Do you really trust them to keep a secret once they find out that they have been duped? And even if you tell the person you are married upfront, feelings have a way of changing once someone gets bonded to you within the context of spanking. Spanking easily promotes feelings of love and dependence. 'Fatal Attractions' can easily happen in this scene. Meeting people socially for purposes of spanking play must be reserved for single people only. That's my unbending, non-negotiable rule.

Married couples can play together with each other, play together with other couples, and attend parties together. However, if you are married and your partner is not into spanking and will not participate, then a professional session is the only acceptable alternative.

What is your experience with spanking?
Some people might have a little bit of experience. Others have never been spanked or given a spanking before. Inexperienced spankers/spankees do not necessarily have to be ruled out if there is a connection and if the heart seems to be in the correct place. Virgins can be good lovers as long as they are intuitive and have the desire. Spanking is no different.

Find out what kind of spanking play the person has experienced. Ask about both good and bad spanking scenes. What characterized them as good or bad? Find out what kind of play partners the person has had in the past. Have they done spanking scenes within the context of a spanking relationship or has it been casual encounters through Internet ads or spanking events?

Are you seeking a casual or on-going spanking relationship?
Obviously this is an important thing to know. Find out about the person's general relationship history if you are seeking something more long term. If he or she has never had a long-term involvement they are not good candidates for something long term with you.

What are some of your favorite spanking stories or DVDs?
This gives you a window into their spanking soul. By learning about favorite scenario stories you'll get clued into the kind of spanking this person really likes. Listen for words like spanked soundly vs. spanked severely. Take note of scenarios that are age regressive vs. those that are more adult oriented. You want your own spanking fantasyland to match up well with those of your partner's. Someone who wants to be spanked by an auntie or schoolteacher will not gel too well with someone who wants to be spanked by a real-time adult Disciplinarian or mentor.

Are you top, bottom, or switch?
I have a strong bias towards spankos having the ability to spank and be spanked. Especially men. Whenever women ask me about meeting a spanking boyfriend, I advise them to seek out a switch. In my vast experience I have found that switches are generally down to earth, open-minded and more versatile players. They do not impose rigid ideas or values on their partner. They are not controlling and egocentric.

This is true of both men and women. No one has the right to assume a top or parental position within the context of a true adult relationship. Both partners need to have a time to express their nurturing as well as their child-like sides. Switches get to be dynamic in their play. Switches are also the very best spankers because they have experienced spanking and understand what it feels like both emotionally and physically.

Bottoms who only want to bottom need to expand their horizons in a long-term relationship. Now I'm talking mostly to women. I'm sorry to say that many spanking females are selfish in their spanking needs. They mistakenly say it's unmanly for a guy to crave a spanking. Their men then suppress their submissive side but eventually seek comfort over another woman's knee.

Spanking play is expanding in that it allows us to act out all facets of our personality. That's what makes spanking so life affirming. Both men and women need to accept and acknowledge their top and bottom personality traits.

Do you prefer disciplinary, motivational, erotic or playful spankings?
These different attitudes reflect the intensity and mood of the spanking. Disciplinary spankings are generally done in a serious, punishing manner. Motivational spankings are given to help someone change a behavior. Playful erotic spankings are more romantic and are oftentimes used as foreplay for more intimate encounters. Real spanking relationships can sustain all kinds of spanking interplays. However, it's a good idea to find out someone else's preference. If the desire is very different than yours, then this is probably not a good match.

Are you looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend or just a spanking relationship?
There is such a thing as a spanking relationship and it can be very fulfilling. However many people, particularly those involved in posting and answering ads are usually looking for a life partner. Of course there are many factors that will move a relationship forward. Just because you both like spanking and you are both seeking a partner doesn't guarantee a relationship. Pairings that blossom into long-term commitments require a great deal more than a love of spanking. However, it's still important to be as knowledgeable as possible about some one's intent before getting together.

Spanking etiquette is no different than any other social interactions. Be respectful of the other person. Go slow in getting to know someone. Communicate first by email. Get to know the person in a general sense before moving on to personal information. Answer emails according to your comfort level but don't keep someone waiting too long either. Don't bombard the other person with endless email conversation unless that feels like a mutual need.

Have several long phone conversations. Ask the open-ended questions suggested above and be honest in your disclosures. Tune into yourself after conversations and see how you felt about this person. Did you feel heard? Did you feel a sense of compatibility with this person? Did the person present the same over the phone as in emails? Oftentimes a person is more eloquent in writing than they are in face-to-face conversation. That's OK but it's important to communicate by phone as well as emails before deciding to meet.

If the phone feels right, set up a meeting. I'd advise a 'no spanking policy' on the first date but I know that if you a true spanko, you are bursting to play. Therefore my advice is to prepare yourself for all possibilities and have your own personal escape plan if necessary. Also decide in advance where you are going to go for the spanking play.

As a general rule of thumb, I suggest that women meet on their own turf. Let him come to you. Figure out a safe place to do the spanking in your home if you can have privacy. Another alternative is meeting in a hotel room or at a spanking event.

Have back up plans with a friend. Let a friend know you are meeting a stranger with whom you have had online communication. Treat this like a blind date. You do not have to tell your friend anything about spanking. This is a person who just knows you are meeting someone new for the first time. You might even have the friend ring you mid-way through the date to make sure you are OK. Have a secret phrase to use if she needs to be alerted. Back up plans insure your safety. Use the same common sense you'd use if you met on a vanilla online dating or chat line.

Initiating The Spanking
Always make sure to meet up in a public place when meeting someone new. I suggest a public coffee house or restaurant. The meeting can be strictly a time to continue phone and email conversations. It can also be a good place to set up your eventual spanking scene.

There is no right or wrong way on how to move from conversation to spanking. It's up to the two people involved and how it feels for them. Some people are direct and will just move from coffee to the play space. Others like to make it part of the scenario. I know many a girl who enjoys the idea of 'bratting' as a way to initiate spanking play. She might behave in a way that would trigger one to want to punish her: i.e. spilling salt in his coffee, throwing food or making bratty comments. The spanker would of course have to be astute enough to pick up on the behavior and then suggest a spanking.

For those into disciplinary type spankings, the spanker would begin some kind of lecture about past behaviors. This daddy or mommy approach would then lead to a discussion about how a spanking is needed to correct the naughty behavior. Eventually the two of you would adjourn to the pre-planned spanking spot.

When two people are still wavering about whether or not to take the next step, be open-minded. Converse together, see what it's like to be with the other person and make the decision based on how the two of you are feeling in the moment. I will make the warning. When it comes to spanking two people do not necessarily have to be that attracted to each other physically. Spanking talk is the catalyst that supplies the chemistry. Once two spankos start to converse about spanking chances are good that they will both get into the mood.

This spanking chemistry is both a blessing and a curse. It allows us all to get turned on quickly and easily. However it also sometimes leads to actions that we may regret later. In other words, once we are in the 'spanking zone' rational thoughts go by the wayside and the id takes over. That's why it is very important to do rational screening and assessment way before this first meeting.

The Solution For The Committed: Professional Spanking Specialists
If you are in a committed relationship or require discretion, this is the choice for you. A professional relationship guarantees a successful spanking experience without intruding on your personal life. You will have the spanking experience you desire and then go home with a clean conscience. You will not have to be concerned with obtrusive phone calls, stalking or getting involved with the wrong person. You can simply have the spanking experience you desire in a safe, sane, consensual environment.

If you do not want marks or welts, a professional spanker will know how to spank soundly without leaving tell-tale signs. You will have the cathartic release of getting or giving a spanking without any fear of getting involved with another's personal baggage. It's really the only safe option for a person who plans to stay with their spouse but yet craves a satisfying spanking experience.

A professional is exactly that; a professional. No sex, no complications, just a quality spanking experience. Make sure you choose a spanking professional who really knows what they are doing. Just because someone claims to be a spanking professional does not mean they truly posess the skills to provide the experience you are looking for. Just like finding a doctor or dentist, be selective and find a good one.

Professionals Are An Excellent Option for Newcomers
I have personally given countless people their first spanking experience. They leave with a sense of pride, dignity and accomplishment. Many say that they leave feeling like a weight has been taken off their shoulders and they feel like another person inside. Finally another human being understands and hears their need for spanking.

"I learned so much about myself and about the nature of spanking; what it means to me and what it does to me. Suddenly, I felt experienced and adept. I really needed this experience. I needed a moment in time lost from myself and into myself, within the safety of someone I trusted more than one should before meeting a stranger, but someone I did trust because of your incredible intelligence and your honesty. The memories of that first spanking will follow me for a very long time, searing the edges of my mind when I need it, and all the while making me ache for the experience all over again!"

A professional session focuses on you. It is not only my job but also my mission to provide the experience that each individual seeks. Spanking is a universal fetish but individuals have their own special triggers. I make sure that happens for each person I see. I take the time to get to know someone well so I deliver the experience that will be positive and life affirming. Newcomers are always treated extremely special because I am all too aware that it can be the difference between feeling good about having an interest in spanking and holding on to the shame.

"For me, hearing statements like, get over my knee; or you are in big trouble young lady; is exciting because it builds up to the moment of the actual spanking. I get butterflies in my stomach, because I know I was caught doing something naughty and I am going to receive my come-uppance. The second thing is hearing you lecture me before, through out the spanking, and afterwards. That is the nurturing part that I have always longed for."

I can only speak for myself. I have safely and successfully introduced many men and women into the spanking scene. I take my time to get to know someone well and ask the questions that I need in order to provide a spanking experience tailored to the needs of each individual I see.

Seeing a professional like me is the difference between learning how to ski from a well meaning friend or going down the slopes with an experienced skiing instructor. You may or may not have a good experience with a friend. With an instructor you'll be guaranteed safety and given a basic understanding of the sport. After several lessons you'll then be able to ski confidently with your friends. So it is with spanking. Having good initial spanking experiences will leave you with a feeling of confidence, knowledge and understanding about what the spanking fetish means to you. Once you obtain that knowledge you can choose to decide how you want to incorporate spanking into your own life.

Many people find that meeting people online is way too time consuming and risky. Oftentimes they come to the realization that spanking is only one small aspect of a good long-term relationship. They then make the decision to compartmentalize spanking and continue to see professionals where they are guaranteed to have the spanking experience they want when they want it.

Others prefer to seek out that perfect spanking mate or partner. When the connection happens, the individuals have many things in common. Spanking, like sex, inevitably takes a back seat when two people engage in a long term, committed union. Careers, raising a family, personal accomplishments, etc will always trump bedroom activities though a good sex life is always an important aspect to a full-filled relationship.

In Summary
The spanking fetish is complex and finding the right person(s) for exploration is absolutely necessary. Today's open Internet offers a vast playground of opportunity but with these opportunities comes risk.

Be pro-active when it comes to picking a spanking playmate. When in doubt seek out a good professional who can help guide you down the correct path. This ensures that your spanking needs are validated and respected. Have fun, enjoy bringing your inner fantasies to life but stay vigilant and protective of something you hold dear.


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